lonely

i dunno y bt i feel so lonely now..

more than i usually feel.

~and the voices in the head said..~

exhaustion never felt so good!!

was rushing to produce expt data for e research update presentation i hav 2 give today so i arrived lab at 850 although i slept at 4 last nite (roll ard bed since 2am bt cldnt slp, freaking insomnia zzz, not to mention tat i hav only 5hrs of slp 2 nites before). Naturally im damn tired bt i worked NON-STOP till 430pm (e other thing tat ran non-stop is my nose.. yea i noe yucks rite..), stopping only for 15mins to lunch down at the cafeteria.

frm 430pm meeting till 745pm, lots of stuff discussed n debated, got pointers for my work n then journal club presentation by another lab member tat last a staggering 1.5hrs (i think) with lots of discussion.. well e paper was interesting so i guess tats y, bt e headache since e start of e day grew into a constant hammering. after e meeting, i went for dinner w 2 labmates n we had quite a long dinner.. till 945.. went back lab n worked till 145am.. bt when i started doing, everything was clear.

e headache tat was there seemed to exist and not exist at the same time!! ive screwed up this expt a few times becos theres alot of steps n im always hurrying cos im dun like to take too long to split my cells. bt today i dare say i didnt make any mistakes, although tat doesnt mean e expt will be a success of cos.

ive long forgotten this feeling of exhaustion.. i guess im quite sadistic to like this feeling (when theres sth i need to achieve)

~and the voices in the head said..~

did u ever..

feel so emo n down (not sad actually) n just sing songs n e more dramatic they r, the more intense u feel.

oh boy, i had one too many.

~and the voices in the head said..~

all i really wanna do now is go some forsaken place, scream my lungs out, cry a river a tears, drink all beer and wine and lay down n die.


~and the voices in the head said..~

once in a while

a emptiness envelopes me.

~and the voices in the head said..~

do i actually have readers?

i just noticed that some of my recent posts have comments, mostly chinese comments and i wonder if these are real readers or just spam?

hmm

~and the voices in the head said..~

the suckiest thing

e suckiest thing in life is tat its so wonderful. so wonderful n u cant help bt wan everything yet at e same time it teaches u tat u cant have them all. u gotta choose n choosing sucks. choice defines us so much becos of the gains and losses. choice reminds us of all the things we hold dear to, all the things we can never get enuff of (time, money, any pleasurable thing).

choosing can drive you crazy.

being content is just one of the gazillion amount of choices that defies all of the above. choosing to be content is being ok, there is a power in that, and a certain sloppiness from another angle.

sometimes i'm thankful for e things i dun hav a choice in. its ironic tat being constraint can feel so liberating.

am i content that i cant choose? i dunno, hav thot enuff for a nite

~~choose~~

interesting read

something nice to share w everyone who still reads my blog


http://gssq.blogspot.com/2010/06/wives-lovers-and-beautiful-soulmates.html

gotten off a fb link frm my stalker. rofl. i wonder if there is a female version of this. haven given it much thot, bt i think e basic idea of this essay does apply to gers as well.

~life's 3-in-1~

i dunno y

but in e end,

i think all is fking meaningless.

~and the voices in the head said..~

here we go again

down this dark twisty road, with no end in sight, and imaginary silhouettes slipping in the shadows.

o'fear, how long will you stay this time.

~and the voices in the head said..~

anticipation!

after an exhausting gym session inclusive of 1/2 hr rowing (5.8km! not bad for a starter like me i think?) i called home to check wat gd food mom has in stall for me and was told its just porridge! i was super craving meat bt when i gt home i see fishball, chicken, pork dunno wat. lots of stuff n i hav 1 huge tub rite in front of me now =)

to hell with anticipation =p

~and the voices in the head said..~

life is an adventure n im missing out

hasnt sorta been in e best of mood lately. fyp started off in a funny way, ask me personally n i'll tell. lots of thots r in my head nw n i think life is really an adventure n im missing out. its always either making mistakes or just thinking abt it (NATO). so much regrets in e past n e list of regrets keeps getting longer.

i just see a whole lot of grey.

~breaking radio silence~

how i met your mother

you guys shld catch this comedy. its really really funny and great!!! so damn funny i laughed frm start to end! except tat 1 sec after e show end my smile turns into a frown.


nono its nt becos e show isnt tat funny.

~and the voices in the head said..~

not funny

it's not funny to wake up at 6 groggy and with 2 nice dark bags hanging from my eyes and trying 2 start to study structural bio w FT n all tat integral crap.


and i alr foresaw this from happening. so what am i trying 2 say here?



even if i foresee something, n i wan 2 do it, im ready 2 pay e price, watever it is. i hav e courage to face up to it. im definitely stressed now, tat i hav 2 allow myself, bt i wun complain tat its tougher for me than other ppl, i wun whine cos i chose this. u make ur own bed, u rest in it.


~dun get into stuff tat u cant handle! tats e rule, bt there's always exceptions.~

e thing i dislike most

is waiting,
for watever,
whenever,
however i hav 2 wait.

~and the voices in the head said..~

how do you..

how do you catch up with 9 weeks of study when u're really in school but ur heart and mind are both somewhere else?

how do you react when some1, who apparently thinks u might hav potential, tells u in e face tt e scholarship only take 1st class and u're so highly unlikely to get 1?

how do you know if you can pass when you sit down in tutorial and thot u went to the wrong class?

As with all impossible things, we start by saying we can.

i can catch up, i may not score all As (i hav no intention to), bt i will do justice to myself and the hard work i've put in the past 2 years. watever happens, is watever tat will happen.

~the undercurrent is strong albeit the still surface..~

it's been awhile

yea haven blogged for awhile... alot of things n stuff gg on in my mind. i've come to hate studying. begin to really think its not gonna benefit me. its not disinterest in e subjects.. over e past semesters there r some subjects that i dun really like, bt i still put in effort becos i feel it wld help.

bt now.. studying is like wtf alr.. sigh.

just went for convo talk today.. kinda funny sitting with ppl tat r not my batch for a convo briefing.. yet another minus frm ABP.

moving back home makes me think a lot a lot. maybe i really shld hav joined bs club again this year. maybe having no time to breathe is better than having time to think.

im thankful to naf for being there for me =)



~and the voices in the head said..~

from grey's anatomy

"Really the truth is, you are a bastard, you were mean and stubborn.. just.. bastard.. but you were a bastard who knew what you wanted, and you stuck to your guns and prove that if you want something badly enough, if you're determined enough and patience enough, eventually it will happen. it will, and that gives me hope and so, thanks for that.. bye bye Charlie" - Liz

From season 4 (or 3?) where the cast gave a speech to honor the old man Charlie finally died after waking up from coma.

~and the voices in the head said..~

slow flowing thoughts

i think this isnt e first time i proclaim tat i like staying in hall. im almost always alone in hall, n its so quiet and tranquil here (no drilling somehow, but some still some noise frm construction workers).

its here that my thoughts can flow slowly. i dun hav 2 rush to go somewhere, get something done..


~1 of e things i like 2 do most is thinking. =)~

depressed and disappointed

i have been experiencing recently is just disappointments, from a number of ppl ard me and mostly, myself.

1 of the worst form of depression is in knowing the right thing to do and the importance of doing it, yet not doing it. mostly it stems frm truly not desiring to do it. frm e heart, in other words, one does not wan to accomplish an important thing.

i got that before, thot it will nvr get me again, bt i guess i lose heart. we all need small miracles to keep our hopes alive, i'd held out so far. miracles?

~sigh...~